i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
