I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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