I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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