pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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