My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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