Is it normal to miss your booty call?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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