life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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