I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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