i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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