Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
