My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
