Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
