Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
