the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
