you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
