I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
