I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
from now on my penis is your penis
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
