Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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