Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
