She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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