On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
