you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
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A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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