And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
