Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I am midnight drunk by noon
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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