My liver just broke up with me...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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