Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
