atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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