She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
