I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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