why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
