i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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