somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
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