I can text with my tongue
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
