Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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