pedialite and red bull = repair kit
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
