my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
