apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize