you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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