If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
