when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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