glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
