If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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