happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
nutella sex= disaster
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
