he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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