That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So many bounce houses so little time
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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