That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
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I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
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I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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