glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
