My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
did i walk over a car last night?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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