i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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