Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
