You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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