um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
