I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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