I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
