i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
