My Higher Power is John Stamos
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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