I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
