if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
