I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I love you. Go after that dick
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
