Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
