Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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