Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
