Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
