so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
