i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she peed on how many people?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
